HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING! (:
Thank you lovely Jackie :)
my friends are the best. i literally can’t get over this video. love you guys <333333
Hi that’s me and my friends. :)
my fortieth.
idle.
i usually need to write. but something keeps me from it.
those rare times that i actually do, i can’t let them leave my notes.
and if it makes it past copypaste, something holds me back, and i don’t “create post”
i used to come onto tumblr, going through my dash and clicking the heart frequently. i was looking for pictures, because most things i liked. and i knew that one day those 6-month-old pictures would turn into a beautiful blog. and they did. and it’s one i’m so very happy with. i have 13 followers, and i don’t even care. because i go through it some days just to look at my oldest pages of pictures, because i think they are completely lovely.
aside from those pretty pictures, i blogged. i created my blog to let out my emotions. i made rules for myself. to have my emotion or feeling at the very top of my post. this was so not every one of my posts was some annoying bitchfit about how much i hate my life. i needed to be creative with it. and be honest with myself. because not everything i feel is part of a bitchfit. i feel so much. i figured being the way i am, there needed to be a way to get a little bit of everything out, every time i blogged. i numbered each of them. and so my tumblr began.
for the most part, i felt i could show my emotions through writing, so perfectly. every post meant something to me, whether i was happy or sad or angry or left out or hurt or self-conscious feeling. because each post was a story from inside. from my little emotion filled heart. letting it out to the world got easier and easier, and it dangerously made me feel better. because after i had written something, my thoughts were perfectly clear to me. being the ocd way that i am, it worked, because i knew everything i was thinking was in the little blog i kept, or my notes section a touch away. after my emotions were clear and my thoughts were processed, i could being analyzing. or i could let it go. whatever choice i made was easier after tumblr.
this year came along, and i became a lot more devoted to my school work. everything i wrote was for my advanced english class essay, and my long and thoughrough hc notes. i dedicated myself to school. to my 4.17 gpa. that was all i had time for; not silly emotions that i spent days analyzing over. no. that was stupid and freshman year. no time for this silly drama i created in my head. so, whatever i felt, stayed in my head.
with all the effort i made to avoid my feelings, drama erupted not a while back. then i grew feelings for a guy that was so effortlessly mean and flirty who made me go crazy because i could not understand what he was thinking; and i always know what people are thinking. friends pissed me off growing selfish. people were fake. and schoolwork and stress drowned me.
so where was tumblr when i needed it most?
i found i couldn’t write well anymore. whatever emotions i was feeling were not clear and sounded so stupid when i read them after. i ended up just quickly deleting my writing in frustration because i couldn’t do it anymore. i couldn’t write anymore and i couldn’t figure myself out anymore. and i always know what i’m thinking after i write. I’m ocd and i care about everything going on in my head all the time. but it wasn’t happening anymore. it’s not happening anymore.
well. i did write a few things eventually. but then i tried to put it on tumblr, and i couldn’t bring myself to do it.
i’m trying to feel the way i did last year after i posted so many things i felt. i want to feel relived. and i want time to think. but what time do i have anymore? where is my time these days?
when i log on, i see lots of things i don’t want to know.
like sorry, i don’t know you very well, i think i shouldn’t be reading this right now.
then i remembered i used to post everything like that. big things little things. i posted some things that are so incredibly secretive to me. i’ve posted things on tumblr that are deep and dark secrets. they are things only i should be seeing. not the people i don’t know very well. and now they know what i go home and think. and now they know what i hide behind my laughing weird personality from class. and these people who are seeing it, it’s not their business. so why am i posting it on this silly blog? why am i letting everyone know about what goes on in my head? i don’t think it’s fair to them, and it’s not fair to myself. because now they hold my secrets. this tumblr is not private. one click on my page, and everyone can see my secrets. with a few assumptions here and there, they know things only my closest friends know. and this scares me.
sharing everything i feel scares me. sometimes going on tumblr scares me.
so with my new reblogging blog, i go on tumblr for that.
i no longer sit and pour my heart out, because i honestly can’t trust this cite anymore. i can’t have everyone seeing everything there is about me and what I’m feeling and what I’m mad about. i can’t get into a fight with someone, and have them stalk my blog to see what shit i post about them. and i don’t want to do the same to anyone else. because that scares me, what people have to say about me. and it makes me sad, to read what my friends have to say about my other friends.
i come on to tumblr to look at pretty pictures. and reblog for myself. to let people feel the same way when they visit my blog, because i do believe it is beautiful and happy and every thing i see when i think of nice things. and i most likely will infrequently reblog as well, just because of school work stress. ahh oh well.
thirty-nine
bothered
Face: lets be pretty and clear for 3 days
Period: lets fuck up her face for 2 and a half weeks
Stomach: lets finally look flat for once
Period: lets bloat up her stomach and cause her to have immense pains for a week
Feelings: lets be happy and normal
Period: lets make her a physico depressing bitch
Vagina: lets be ugly
Period: lets make gallons of blood pour out her vagina every day for 5 days
Boyfriend: yaysexsexsexsex
Period: boyfriend says”fuck this. I hate periods.”
Lol jk on the boyfriend thing
But yeah, i hate periods. Haha
38.
completely confused
you really know how to fuck up my mood
i said i wouldn’t bring this to tumblr. but now i feel i have every right
do you think i’m happy every day? content? because there is a smile on my face?
do you think i’ve accepted this
this ignoring
and unresponsive
brutal thing we have?
no. i am trying. yet i have not accepted it. and this thing that I’ve been doing for the past 2 and 3 weeks is not me.
but i’m not going to be a walking mop. so this is why i do it
and i’m trying to accept it. and not feel the way i do
but its not happening
and i realize that i care too much
opposed to someone who seems to not give a fuck
and I’m trying to not care
because i feel i have every right to not care at this point
but i can’t
and i can’t stop worrying and thinking and caring about this
because it hurts me too much
and i know that we’ve seen better times
i just can’t understand why you don’t believe me
or give me a chance
i just don’t understand
3seven
lsot
*lost
my life as a highschooler.
first few weeks are slow and adjusting.
making many locker trips and creating pictures from the summer and last year to put into a beautiful collage for your 10 binders.
i have lunch dates with my close friends from my classes last year. the ones that we always talked about hanging out with over the summer, yet it never happened. we catch up, small talk.
i avoid eye contact with the fucking annoying kids from english last year, and the creepers from pe class, and i smile to myself because i was so lucky to not have them in my classes again.
new clothes. pretty hair. heat. summer heat. longing for the ocean, and longing for summer again.
around november, after the excitement and fun from homecoming has died down, life quickly spirals to hell.
more homework. harder chapters. essays galore. 2:00 am bedtimes a few nights.
air is cooler, and sweatshirts and sweats come back into my life. i let my toenail polish chip, and my leg hair grow some longer than prickle.
come december, i am emotionally drained. sure winter break is near, but cram for tests before is always a given. i slowly start to think about finals and how much i will dread them.
i’m irritable and tired, but Christmas is near.
fucking finals comes. i study thoroughly, amazed at how much i have actually learned so far. stressed stressed stressed. always always stressed. dream for 1:30 thursday. dreaming for sleep. sleep is all i want.
january and february. i do all i can to not glare at the perky eyed bitches who go to sleep before 11:30 every night.
i lose my social touch. i don’t want to hang out with people much anymore, all i can think about is sleep. all i think about is sleep.
i long for rain, and i hate the heat. all i want anymore is rain and sleep.
and then i realize that no amount of sleep will ever cure me, because after the relapse from the week before, it just happens all over again. i will never be awake and stress-free. i accept it.
i create scenarios of islands in tahoe, and becoming a mermaid. and building tunnels under my island. all alone. to sleep. and bake. and swim.
i’m crying every 3 nights. a nervous breakdown sob once a week. and this is no exaggeration. am i an emotional wreck?
i’m tired. i’m crying. my head hurts. i’m exhausted. and i know i need to rest.
but i can’t.
i need to work hard and not be a failure.
school has slowly drained away my life. and me.
